“One pup’s rant against the food police… and the cat”

with a bit of help from Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’

The Hepsta Rap

to hear EMINEM’s beat as you read, click the play button:

Hey, if you got, one shot, or one opportunity
To eat anything you ever wanted. In one moment
Would you swallow it, or just let it sit?
Yo

My mouth is dribbly, eyes big, belly’s empty
There’s drool on the carpet already, mum’s forgetted me
I’m starving, totally craving what’s around to scoff down,
But she keeps on forgetting that I’m half grown,
The whole room smells so good
I open my mouth, but the snacks won’t come down
I’m scrounging now, everybody’s lounging how
The cat jumps up, she steals, my meal, Ho!
Damn, it’s a travesty. Oh, there goes Miss Kali
Oh, there goes kitty, she choked
She’s so hacked, she’s a fat greedy cat
Victory, no
I won’t have it, she know it’s not hers, it’s my stash
It’s not crack or some hash
Just give me a mo
I’ll make sure that she knows
When she goes back to her feeding mat, that’s when I’ll
Get my own back again, yo
This cruel parody
I’d better go gobble her dinner and hope I don’t miss it

 Don’t give me heat for what I eat, heart sure can’t beat
on the junk you eat, I’ve got eyes, seen the fries and fat
Yo heard you say, pass the mayo to go with that!
Got to grow not go slow, just one shot to fill my gut,
Don’t give me heat for what I eat, heart sure can’t beat
on the junk you eat, I’ve got eyes, seen the fries and fat
Yo heard you say, pass the mayo to go with that!
Got to grow not go slow, just one shot to fill my gut

My nose sniffs out all the stuff that is dropping
This world is mine for the gobbling
Mopping the floor, as family starts squabbling
There’s crumbs on the floor, but hunger’s like a torture
Looking for more, momma should of thoughta
My bowl. They all forgot. The responsibility
Is on me, I’m out to slaughter,
all morsels I’ve caught in the corners
It’s known in this home, there’s no order
It’s dinner time and there’s nothing in the larder
But hold your nose ’cause I just got desperate
Sifted the litter, sucked up Kali’s chocolates
Then moved on to the next room with it
Chewed shoes and gulped water
Threw it all up just like the doctor ordered
Time to stand taller and eat it all over again!

You can eat anything you set your teeth to, pup

Get over it, I hoovered it

Coming next: “Life’s a Beach” for so many reasons

Welcome back, Homies!

Today I’m going to talk about noses, and more specifically about my nose.

They’re totally amazing things for all sorts of reasons.

Everyone knows we have a great sense of smell and you know what they say… the bigger the nose, the more we can smell.

Bulldogs got the short straw and bloodhounds hit the jackpot. Us Koolies are somewhere there in the middle.

Interesting Factoids and Weird Science

Dogs can sniff out all sorts of things from drugs and explosives, to cancer and bedbugs. Some of my amazing canine cousins can track a missing person days after they disappeared or smell drugs hidden in tanks of petrol.

Me, I can detect poo of all varieties at twenty paces.

So, how do we do it?

To start with, we can detect just a few molecules of a particular odour in a trillion parts of air, even if there are much stronger odours present. In simple terms, if you can smell a bad apple in your pantry, we can smell it in a supermarket. This is partly because of the way we inhale the air and mostly to do with the way we are built.

We are crazy sniffing machines and can sniff up to 5 times a second. Then, instead of all the air heading straight to our lungs like it does in people,  our nasal passages direct at least a tenth of it to the olfactory receptors responsible for smelling stuff.

Our noses have something close to 300 million olfactory receptors. You have about 6 million. And, I don’t mean to boast but the part of our brain responsible for processing the smells is 40 times bigger than yours.

There are a few more tricks up our sleeves. Some tracker dogs have large floppy ears, which supposedly helps flap smells towards their nose. And we have specially designed nostrils to help suck in more air and swirl the smells around when we breathe out. We can even tell which nostril detected the smell and work out which direction it came from. Our wet noses help trap the scent molecules too.

Ever wondered why we sniff each other’s backsides?

Well, aside from the fact that we love smelly things, it is the best way of getting to know one another.

We are searching for pheromones, chemical cues, that tell us everything about the dog in front of us, from its gender and reproductive status, to who’s bossy and who’s there to be bossed. There’s no faking pheromones, so it’s an accurate and very honest way of speed dating.

We use this neat thing called a vomeronasal organ to detect the pheromones. You’ve probably seen other animals using it. They lift their lips and open their mouths a bit. This is called the Flehmen Response and works by forcing air through the mouth to the vomeronasal organ.

Miss Kali does it too; that’s why she sits there sometimes with her mouth hanging open when Mum comes home in her work clothes. Her brother, Mr Shenzi, does it all the time, which is why his family think he’s a bit dim.

Do you remember when you were growing up and checking yourself out in the mirror each day to see whether you were going to get the cute nose of the family or grandpa’s huge hooky snout?

Well, it’s even more of a lottery in dogs nowadays because of all those interesting breeds out there.

Check out these pics. Notice something interesting about my nose… aside from it getting way bigger?

You got it. My nose is changing colour.

Mum wishes it was totally black on account of the strong sun over here and the risk of sunburn and skin cancer. I’m not too bothered. It’s usually covered with sand or dirt and 50 shades of grey anyway.

Here’s the really cool bit. The colour is because of pigment cells called melanocytes. These form in my spinal cord while I’m just an embryo and then migrate along the nerves to my skin. Once they arrive, they form a black patch, which grows larger as the cells multiply. If they don’t reach where they’re going by the time I’m born, they may not get there at all and that area stays pink (or white if it’s a hairy bit).

A couple of health snippets from Mum to finish off.

1) A hot dry nose isn’t necessarily a sign of sickness, and poorly dogs can have cold wet noses.

2) Noses can change colour in adult dogs for simple reasons but may indicate disease and should always be checked out by your vet.

I love my nose but it can get me into trouble…

 

Coming next: “Rapsta” in which I perform ‘The Hepsta Rap’ for the first time in public