“One pup’s rant against the food police… and the cat”

with a bit of help from Eminem’s ‘Lose Yourself’

The Hepsta Rap

to hear EMINEM’s beat as you read, click the play button:

Hey, if you got, one shot, or one opportunity
To eat anything you ever wanted. In one moment
Would you swallow it, or just let it sit?
Yo

My mouth is dribbly, eyes big, belly’s empty
There’s drool on the carpet already, mum’s forgetted me
I’m starving, totally craving what’s around to scoff down,
But she keeps on forgetting that I’m half grown,
The whole room smells so good
I open my mouth, but the snacks won’t come down
I’m scrounging now, everybody’s lounging how
The cat jumps up, she steals, my meal, Ho!
Damn, it’s a travesty. Oh, there goes Miss Kali
Oh, there goes kitty, she choked
She’s so hacked, she’s a fat greedy cat
Victory, no
I won’t have it, she know it’s not hers, it’s my stash
It’s not crack or some hash
Just give me a mo
I’ll make sure that she knows
When she goes back to her feeding mat, that’s when I’ll
Get my own back again, yo
This cruel parody
I’d better go gobble her dinner and hope I don’t miss it

 Don’t give me heat for what I eat, heart sure can’t beat
on the junk you eat, I’ve got eyes, seen the fries and fat
Yo heard you say, pass the mayo to go with that!
Got to grow not go slow, just one shot to fill my gut,
Don’t give me heat for what I eat, heart sure can’t beat
on the junk you eat, I’ve got eyes, seen the fries and fat
Yo heard you say, pass the mayo to go with that!
Got to grow not go slow, just one shot to fill my gut

My nose sniffs out all the stuff that is dropping
This world is mine for the gobbling
Mopping the floor, as family starts squabbling
There’s crumbs on the floor, but hunger’s like a torture
Looking for more, momma should of thoughta
My bowl. They all forgot. The responsibility
Is on me, I’m out to slaughter,
all morsels I’ve caught in the corners
It’s known in this home, there’s no order
It’s dinner time and there’s nothing in the larder
But hold your nose ’cause I just got desperate
Sifted the litter, sucked up Kali’s chocolates
Then moved on to the next room with it
Chewed shoes and gulped water
Threw it all up just like the doctor ordered
Time to stand taller and eat it all over again!

You can eat anything you set your teeth to, pup

Get over it, I hoovered it

Coming next: “Life’s a Beach” for so many reasons